There is a lot on my plate at the moment, and I wish I meant that literally, since last night’s dinner seems to have gotten lost somewhere between French class, phone calls, and packing.
I’m vacating the New York apartment where I’ve lived for four years, and getting ready for a stay in Paris. This alone would be plenty to keep a person busy and emotionally unbalanced, but it’s a day at the beach compared to the other task at hand: Tomorrow I’m going to Ohio to empty out my mother’s house once and for all.
Much of the work is done, but there are things left to be sorted and stored, given one more go through triage. I’m not too hung up on the objects, really, or even the place. Like bodies, these things lose meaning when not animated by their possessor, and it is their possessor whom I miss.
Going through my own things, in my own apartment, I find her tracks all over the place, in every drawer, under my bed, at the back of my closet, on a high cupboard shelf. She is everywhere. And nowhere.
I found this note:
March 24, 2007
Dear Barbra,
I hope school is going well and you’re enjoying your sojourn in gay Pareee.
It was so wonderful to finally get to Europe, and I’m happy I got to share my first visit to Paris with you. I think my favorite meals were Le Petit Vatel and our evening at Willi’s, but it’s hard to pick because I loved it all. I especially loved experiencing Mozart in that lovely little church.
I hope this time away helps you figure out what’s next in your life. Why not make life-changing decisions while eating great food and drinking good wine in an absolutely beautiful city?
I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful weekend with Patrick. Can’t wait to hear all about it.
So thank you again for the best ever Christmas/birthday. On my list of things to do before I’m old and infirm: Get back to Paris!
Love,
Mom
And then, in case I wasn’t crying hard enough:
April 19, 2007
Dear Barbra,
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you, and so happy you were able to have this great experience of living in Paris.
So now you’ve got decisions to make, about lots of things. I may not be the first person you think of to use as a sounding board, but I’m always here for you, ready to listen. No matter what course your life takes next, I know I’ll continue to be proud of the smart, independent woman you are. Love you, baby.
So enjoy your last days there. Call me when you can.
Love,
Mom
Though much has changed since that spring, these letters could have been written yesterday.
These will make the trip.
What a beautiful post, Barb. Your mom would be so proud of you. You are the strong smart independent woman she describes, and I hope you feel surrounded by all of us who love you.
Oh Barbra…what beautiful letters. I second what Bonnie said…your mother would be so proud of you and this journey you’re making. Big hugs.
You make me cry every time! Love you honey!